Random Skits
by The Distorted Shadow
Summary: Just a collection of any random idea's of mine that aren't large enough to make into full stories. Expect crack and humor to run rampant here.
1. The Anti-Freak (Harry Potter)

Harry Potter could do nothing more than stare at the tall and lanky woman that had invited herself into the Dursley's household.

Apparently she was a witch.

She had even turned a teapot into a rabbit.

According to her, he was a wizard and he was due to attend 'Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry'.

There was just one problem with that.

"But I don't want to do something so freakish," he told her bluntly, earning wide eyes off the woman who had introduced herself as Professor McGonagall who immediately turned to face his Aunt and Uncle with a look of complete disbelief on her features.

"What do you mean by that?!" he could hear the underlying anger in her tone as he dismissed what she was telling him.

"I don't want to be some kind of _freak_," he told her with noticeable venom in his tone at the word 'freak', "just look at all those _celebrities_, getting away with whatever they want, ignoring the laws that govern the rest of the populace just because they can afford the legal fees."

"I want to lead a normal life, get a job as some kind of middle manager, find a woman to marry, have a single child, maybe two and die of old age," the messy haired youth started to rant, and it surprisingly was a rant, "I do _not_ want to go to some freakish boarding school and learn how to become a _freak_! Now GET OUT AND TAKE YOUR FREAKISHNESS WITH YOU!"

McGonagall could do nothing more than stare in shock as she listened to his rant before looking at the Dursley's and losing all hope upon seeing the victorious smirks they wore.

It looked like they were right to raise him like their own son after all.


	2. A Jutsu Gone Awry (Naruto)

**SPOILER ALERT FOR CHAPTER 670 IN THE NARUTO MANGA**

* * *

Uzumaki Naruto could do little more than sigh in annoyance at the current situation.

"Why did I try messing around with time and space?" he muttered to himself as he tried to figure out exactly where he was, all the usual landmarks he used to determine where he was were gone after all.

To think it had been over a decade since the fourth shinobi war and he was now wearing the mantle of the Hokage and was currently the only jinchūriki around.

It had taken awhile to get used to the nine voices that occupied his head.

"Halt! Who goes there?!" and without a seconds hesitation, the blond froze, "Ōtsutsuki-sama does not take kindly to trespassers!"

"Uh… can we talk about this?" the whiskered blond asked hesitantly, earning a glare off the person that was obviously leading the group of twenty soldiers.

"Enough chances!" and without any further call, what was obviously a young man charged at him… seriously, did he know that attacking a Kage wasn't a good idea.

"Uh… are you seriously picking a fight with me?" was all he could say as he side stepped what he thought was barely academy student level speed, earning a battle cry from the rest of the group.

"Well, I guess it's nice they're pretty weak," and without saying another word he decided to dispatch the group of soldiers.

XXX XXX XXX

"So… are you guys going to give up yet?" the last Jinchūriki asked as he looked at his assailants lying on the ground, clutching themselves in pain.

"What is going on here?!" a stern, feminine voice called out, making the blond freeze upon focusing on her chakra.

_'Holy crap! She's stronger than Madara!'_ was the only thought going through his head as he turned to look at the woman that had appeared.

She was beautiful to say the least, even with those strangely familiar horn like protrusions sticking out of her temples, pupiless eyes, dark lipstick and finely trimmed eyebrows alongside her snow white hair that fell to her feet.

"Uh… have we met?" was the only thing to leave his mouth, he definitely recognised her but he couldn't for the life of him remember from where or when.

"You would dare speak so casually before me?" the woman that was currently dressed like some sort of priestess demanded with her previous tone of authority, "do you have a death wish mortal?"

"Uh… no but I'm certain I recognise you from somewhere," he admitted, earning a narrowing of the woman's eyes.

"If you cannot even recognise me then I will end your pathetic little existence now," and just like that the woman summoned up a _freaking lightning storm_!

"Oh crap," and before anything else could happen, lightning struck down.

"Ōtsutsuki-sama is the greatest! There is no one that can match her grace and power!" one of the younger soldiers cried out in jubilation upon seeing the man that had defeated him effortlessly vanish in the lightning strike.

"Screw you!" the shock that appeared in the eyes of everyone that had witnessed the attack was clear, as the blond jumped out of the dust cloud created by the strike, cloaked in orange energy.

"Impossible! He has chakra!" the cries of disbelief in the soldier's tone upon seeing the energy was obvious to everyone that paid attention.

Naruto charged at speed surpassing what most Jōnin achieve, Rasengan in hand towards the white haired woman who quickly snapped out of her shock and avoided the A-ranked jutsu.

"I see, I never expected to see another with Chakra," the horned woman stated calmly, her eyes closed before snapping open once again, "very well, I will show you my true power."

"Bring it bitch!" and thus the fight started in earnest.

XXX (53 hours later) XXX

"*pant* *pant* you're *pant* pretty good," Naruto admitted as he struggled for breath against this new foe, to think, he had actually needed to use the power of all nine bijū since the fight began.

"*pant* you too *pant* are indeed powerful," the woman admitted as she also took deep pants in an attempt to catch her breath.

The area around the duo had been completely changed, from a relatively level plain with a single castle resting at the centre, to a barren wasteland with mighty gouges and craters torn into the ground… though the castle was surprisingly unscathed.

"I-Impossible… they're still going at it," one of the soldiers expressed his disbelief under his breath, he had never believed it was possible to even land a scratch on Ōtsutsuki Kaguya, let alone fight her to a standstill over the course of more than two days.

Suddenly the tense atmosphere between the two monstrously powerful individuals was broken by a pair of loud growls.

Everyone froze in shock at the noise, that is until the two combatants both looked at their stomachs and started to blush.

"Uh… do you think we could call this a draw?" Naruto asked hesitantly while rubbing the back of his head, "I'm kinda hungry."

"Ah… ah… of course," the woman's stern demeanour fell at the sudden interruption and Naruto briefly considered that the woman sounded… nervous? "w-would you like to… I mean would you consider eating at my castle?"

The guards could do nothing more than stare in disbelief as the woman they worshipped as a goddess stuttered nervously while inviting a man into her home.

"Huh? Really?" he asked excitedly, earning a nod of confirmation off the woman before a wide grin stretched across his face, "Yatta! Thanks… uh… what's your name again?"

"Ōtsutsuki Kaguya," she said with a smile.

"Thanks Kaguya-chan!" the blush on the woman only deepened at how he addressed her.

"I… it is no problem, uh… my apologies, I forget to inquire about your name," she responded, earning a grin off the whiskered blond.

"Uzumaki Naruto, the Rokudaime Hokage," he stated before walking towards the castle, leaving a confused priestess behind him.

"What's a Hokage?" she muttered to herself before shaking her head clear, "oh well, it doesn't matter anyway."

And with a dark grin adorning her face, she followed the blond that had managed to match her in strength, licking her lips along the way.

XXX XXX XXX

The Sage Of Six Paths watched on as the shinobi alliance faced off against the Jūbi's latest Jinchūriki, a man by the name of Uchiha Madara, he noted that Kurama's jinchūriki was on the verge of death but didn't pay much more attention to the boy, sure he may have been the reincarnation of his son but he'd seen the sight a hundreds of times before.

"Where am I? Am I dead?" the dying boy called out upon awakening within this world.

"Why do you think you're dead? Your ethical view of death is certainly different from that of my time," the Sage answered calmly, still not turning to face the boy behind him, "you must have a strong spirit if you deem yourself dead so easily newbie."

"Who are you?" the teen asked, earning a hint of amusement from the Sage.

"That is a realistic question in this situation, but I'm slightly worried your opinion may differ from your forerunner if you hear my name," he stated before turning around and taking his first close look at the boy before him and freezing in shock, "daddy?"

It was then that Naruto knew this was going to be the strangest conversation he had ever had.


	3. A Big Mistake (Sekirei & SMT)

Kashima Naoki could do little more than twitch his eyelid as he looked at the strange woman that had practically pounced on him before giving him a passionate kiss and growing wings.

Well, it was pretty clear to him that that wasn't exactly how it was supposed to go given how she had screamed in pain and gained his more… demonic features, alongside the tattered wings of fleshy maroon with black feathers.

The fact that she was now laying on top of him like some sort of dead fallen angel didn't really help matters either.

That was when his phone started vibrating in his pocket.

"Tch… who the hell's calling at this time?" he growled out to himself as he reached into his pants and pulled out the offending piece of technology and answered the call.

"Congratulations! You have been chosen to be the partner of a Sekirei!" upon hearing the overly loud and cheerful voice being emitted by the video call feature of his phone, Naoki couldn't stop himself from feeling happy that he had answered it away from his ear.

"Two questions… what the hell is the director of MBI doing calling some random nobody like me… and what the hell do you mean about being the partner of a wagtail?" Naoki decided to ask as calmly as he could, hopefully he'd be able to learn something from this conversation after all.

"Because you, have just winged a member of the species known as Sekirei and as such are now a participant in the 'Sekirei Plan'!" the white haired company director stated over the phone.

"What?" it was a single word, but it was said in a tone that made the white haired man pause for a second.

"As I said, you are hereby a participant in the Sekirei Plan!" the way the man made that statement was enough to make Naoki's eye start twitching in annoyance.

"And has it ever occurred to you that I have no interest in participating in this 'plan' of yours?" he had to actively try to keep the growl out of his tone as he asked that one simple question, earning a smug grin off the infuriating man.

"Now now Kashima-san, if you refuse to participate then who knows what might happen to your family," the malicious smirk the older person gave off would've chilled anyone else to the bone… the problem was that he wasn't dealing with a human.

"Are you threatening me?" the cold tone that escaped his lips should've told the man that his threat wasn't going to be treated as he expected but then again, the man was the head of one of the most powerful conglomerates in the world, so he had a reason to be confident.

"I wouldn't call it threatening, merely negotiating from a vastly superior position," and that was the final straw.

"I see… then I guess I'll show you just how 'vastly superior' your position really is," and with that the demonic teen ended the call with a snap of the flip phone.

XXX XXX XXX

Sahashi Minato found himself once again being harangued by his alien harem as they fought over who got to sit next to him at the dinner table, all the while the other inhabitants of the house looked on in amusement at the chaos that unfolded around him.

"We interrupt our regular programming to bring you a special report," everyone found themselves facing the television as the news overtook the usual programming.

"Earlier today MBI headquarters was attacked by an unidentified explosive, leaving nothing left of the company's headquarters and the one thousand and thirty seven employees currently stationed at the building," the announcer stated, earning looks of shock off everyone in the room at the estimated death toll, "the only reason it is confirmed to be a terrorist attack is because of the message carved into the surrounding buildings that reads, 'this is what happens when you piss off the Hitoshura.'"


	4. The Sorting Hat's Fun (Harry Potter)

The Great Hall was silent at the sorting hat's declaration.

"No… no it can't be…" the boy under its brim muttered in horror at the house that escaped its seems, "t-there has to be some sort of mistake! I… I can't be _there_!"

"Well, it is where you belong, so hurry up and go and sit with the rest of your house," the hat stated matter of factly.

"N-No! I demand a resorting! You must have made some mistake!" the boy shouted at the tattered old hat with a sense of panic in his tone at the thought of what his parents would think about him being sorted _there_.

"That is enough, now please, take a seat with the rest of your house and stop holding up the rest of the sorting," Professor McGonagall commanded firmly as the young boy's eyes started to water at the thought of exactly where he was going.

"But," he didn't get a chance to finish his sentence as a stern glare from the deputy headmistress made him wilt under himself.

"Just go and let the sorting continue," he really didn't want to but in the end there was only so much he could do, he just knew that his life was over, there was no way he could rid himself of the shame of being sorted into _that_ house.

"Well well, what do we have here Gred?"

"It looks like a Malfoy Forge."

"It sure does Gred."

"Let's make him learn just how we welcome people like him."

Draco Malfoy could stop himself from bursting into tears as he found himself surrounded by a sea of red.

XXX XXX XXX

The Sorting Hat had to subdue its laughter at the scene before it.

It was always fun to put someone in the opposite of the house they belonged in every now and then.


End file.
